Update: time to heal.

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Well hello~ how are you all?
here i am, updating a bit, better a bit.

can't say i feel 100% good, because i literally feel in a cage, or like a blind boxer, without knowing where to give the next punch.
it's been a lot lately, in many ways. of course it's been full of tears, but also full of laughs and smiles.
i just hope this darkness inside me goes away, that is.
i feel so surrounded by people who cares about me, and i feel so alone at the same time. just nonsense in my head, but it feels real.
so i just start doing a lot of things to avoid feeling like it, because that's what happens when i spend too much time with myself. i get depressed. i feel i want to vanish. i feel i don't need to be here. i feel worthless. and i want to write it because it feels real.
most of my tears are because of it. it's really, really hard for me to type that this is not the first time i want to die. i know it's wrong, and i shouldn't give up. i know it's coward, i know it's meaningless. i know. but it feels real.
i feel my heart suddenly becomes little, really little, and empty.
yesterday night i spent around two hours outside in the balcony, crying because i admitted it. because i miss too many people. because of the dispair in me. and i couldn't. just couldn't do anything about it, and made me cry more. i just wanted to go away. i wanted to never come back. i even felt prepared for it.
but a voice inside me says "don't give up" "endure sis" "beri, you can do it" "do your best"
that's you. you made me want to go on.

i want to apologize from the bottom of my soul for making you all read this, i really do. it feels like i just run in circles, it's frustrating.
my birthday is coming soon, and i don't know how to feel about it. i feel like when you try by the first time a videogame with a new console you don't know of. lost. confused.
again, sorry for making you read pity me. sorry. i'm so sorry.

but well, that's what life is about. if you feel like nothing, make yourself something, someone, you.
i feel i want to burst, and change. like if all the tears were just the magical water to make a spell, and cast it on myself.
and i want to do it not only because this is something that shouldn't be, but because of you.
you give me strenght. you make me want to do it. your smiles, your jokes, your "cheer up!" and "get well soon" are my light.
i want to thank you everyone who ever wrote to me, no matter if you still do or not, for making my days brighter. for giving me always a reason to smile for. thank you. thank you. my little heart thanks you. little me thanks you.
i just close my eyes when i feel lonely, and think "hey, there's still a lot to do!" and i just slap myself and keep on.

i will try my best. i will.
so goodbye this time, a good hello tomorrow. i will change.
a "general cleaning" session this time.
this unloved sensation has been chasing me from more years than i do have right now. there's too many years to count for one night, with these stars shining bright, helping me out.

surgery time.
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before i go, i had these wonderful photos in my computer, and want to share them with you:
they're mostly Eowyn, but there's also Natasha. i remember i had a hard time  when they slept on the couch because their colours were similar! sometimes i had no idea they were there, just sleeping.
i'm sure you're having fun.
sorry for making you worry all the time about me, but i will get better for you.

Fotografia 1619 by Berichan Untitled by Berichan  Untitled by Berichan  Untitled by Berichan
Untitled by Berichan   Fotografia 1173 by Berichan   Untitled by Berichan

Berichan loves you :iconlubplz:
© 2014 - 2024 Berichan
Comments12
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BBChild's avatar
Aww Beri!  I'm so sorry I didn't read this sooner and couldn't be there when you actually needed me T.T  Been traveling and have neglected to check dA as much as I should!

There are always ups and downs in life, times of despair and times of utter bliss.  Sometimes it feels like you're at the very bottom of a dark pit, and you can't even see the sun shining anymore.  You try climbing out, but always slip, always fall back to the bottom, as if you can never get out.
But you can get out.  It is not easy.  It won't go well at first.  However, just sitting there at the bottom, there is nothing but darkness - there is not even hope of escaping.  But if you try, and you keep trying, to climb out, there is always, always, always at least hope that this time you won't fall back down.  You can't get out if you don't try.
It can hurt, all the scrapes and bruises and broken bones from falling and falling and falling again… But when you make it out finally to the surface again, there is nothing better than feeling the warm sun on your skin after being in such utter darkness for so long.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, falling is a sign that you are trying.  It's a sign that you are moving forward.  Of course it is easy to just stay in the pit and be miserable; but you'll never escape from there that way.  There always has to be at least a little pain when it comes to success.  
So even if you fall a lot, and you get scraped, and hurt, and it is still dark… You are still trying.  So long as you are still trying, there is still hope that you will eventually succeed.  There is always a chance you will make it if you try.  ^^

You are strong.  You will be able to get through the dark times… Even if you don't feel like it at the time, you are stronger than you think.  And if you fall back, there is your friends and family to catch you.  ^^
:heart: